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Way back in ancient Greece, writers and philosophers conceptualized three major forms of Love: Eros, Agape, and Philia. In our variety of cultures and traditions today, these three types still constitute the foundation of our understanding of relationships of love. Cultivating an awareness of the nuance and depth of the emotion of love is helpful—not only in our regular lives but also in the lives of our characters and our writing.
February is typically known as the month of romance, and often romantic relationships take center stage in the stories we read. However, taking into account the many other forms that love can take in relationships among characters can help our craft and imagination.
The three broad types of Love are described below:
Eros—erotic love, sexual love, romance, passion, physical attraction, connection to the object of desire
Agape—unconditional love, selfless love, associated with altruism and a broader love for all humankind and/or nature, connection to the world
Philia—friendly love, companionship, love between family members and friends, deep bonds, respect and loyalty, connection to the ‘other’
It makes sense why Eros is the most popular portrayal of love we see in written and visual media because Eros contains all the drama, heartbreak, highs and lows, tension, and intensity that grips our attention and holds us in our seats. That’s why this month, we’ll focus on the perhaps quieter—but no less important—forms of love Agape and Philia and how including these kinds of relationships can strengthen our writing and individual voice.
Agape
Parental love is often associated with Agape love—the kind of love that is selfless, unconditional, unfailing, and enduring. It is also the kind of love we commonly associate with deities and gods, where one party has experienced the other in all their highs and lows and loves despite it all. In other words, it’s a complete and whole love bound by acceptance.
In real life, whether our parents were good or bad, how they raised us influences who we become as people. The same goes for characters. Agape relationships commonly add background context to a character’s history, so making up with your brother can be just as important as confessing to your crush. After all, everyone comes from somewhere.
Philia
This type of love is often associated with friendship and “brotherliness” (or sisterliness) or just “sibling-li-ness,” if that’s even a word. It’s treating people the way we would ideally treat our families—with trust, benefit-of-the-doubt situations, and compassion. This is the “camaraderie” type of love. It is as deep and whole as both Agape and Eros. Often we’ll see stories blurring the lines between friends and family—where two best friends will be like “sisters” or in contrast, a weak or unhealthy bond between siblings might focus on how they act like “strangers” or not like siblings at all.
A key component of Philia love is equality between the persons involved. In Agape love, there may be a hierarchy, such as the “god and his creation” or “parent and child.” But with two best friends or two siblings, this kind of love is founded on even ground for both persons. One isn’t higher or lower than the other—they are balanced in their roles and importance.
One final note on the three types of love is that they are not mutually exclusive. Love can be Eros and Agape or Agape and Philia at the same time. Or there can be aspects of all three in a relationship.
No relationship is perfect, and they don’t have to be. Especially in stories, there needs to be struggle, tension, and drama in the love between characters precisely because they are not perfect. If a character does feel too perfect, they seem less real to a reader. The point of this all is to remind us that there’s so much more to love than just romance, and when we branch out to write about things we haven’t before, we can learn more not only about our characters but ourselves as well.
An Exercise in Love
Fill out the Romance Tropes Crossword to see what cliches to avoid for this exercise. Then, pick one of the examples below and write a short story focusing on either an Agape or a Philia type of relationship.
The relationship doesn’t have to be the whole plot, but it should factor into the character growth and story arc. The relationship can be happy or sad, simple or complex, weak or strong. It could be the end of a relationship, repairing a relationship, or building a relationship. The point is to explore two characters and how they relate to one another in a non-romantic way.
Examples of Philia and Agape Relationships:
a pet owner and their pet
a mother and her son
a brother and his brother
a sister and her sister
a nephew and his aunt
two cousins
a father and his brother
a grandchild and her grandfather
two best friends
two animals
a foster child and their foster parents
a volunteer and her organization
two strangers who help each other
a stepfather and his stepchild
a person and a magical creature
a god and his creation
a person and a force of nature or a personified part of the world
a wife and her sister-in-law
a divorced couple
a godmother and her godchild
a person and their past self
About the Author:
Skye Rozario Steinhagen is a Puertorriqueña poet from Iowa, who earned her MA in Theological Studies from the Harvard Divinity School in 2021. Her passions intertwine among English, Humanities, the Study of Religion, and Creative Writing. She joined the Writer’s Workout for editing/graphic design in 2024. Her writing has appeared in The Acentos Review, The Green Shoe Sanctuary, Humana Obscura, and elsewhere.